


the q&a you’ve been waiting for | KODZUKEN

by kzumeknma (born_to_fly)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Coming Out, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Kozume Kenma is So Done, Kozume Kenma-centric, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Little Shit, M/M, YouTuber Kozume Kenma, but offscreen only, honestly save all of us 2020, i wrote this bc im thirsty for kuroken content, mentioned various Nekoma/Fukurodani members, save kenma 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:48:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24960325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/born_to_fly/pseuds/kzumeknma
Summary: In which Kodzuken reaches 500k subscribers, Kuroo Tetsurou is Little Bastard, and Akaashi helps Bokuto with his critical thinking skills in the comments.(the youtube video you didn't want, but i wrote anyways)
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, implied Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou - Relationship
Comments: 37
Kudos: 803





	the q&a you’ve been waiting for | KODZUKEN

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys welcome back to my channel today's sponsor is badly-formatted "youtube comments" 
> 
> i wish i could get sponsored by kenma but unfortunately he's been living in my brain rent-free for years

**_the q &a you’ve been waiting for _ ** **| KODZUKEN** [10:01]

“Hello, everyone. It’s me, your last brain cell. Welcome back to me playing video games and screaming into the void.” A tired-looking man waves slightly at the camera, face completely deadpan. He doesn’t really look like someone who screams into the void- apathetic muttering, maybe, but screaming? Absolutely not. The current war amongst his fans is to decide the fandom name- there’s a small minority advocating strongly for “Kodzukittens”, but the two largest factions are in a deadly standoff between “the Void” and “the Abyss”.

> _screamintomekodzu69_ : hahA _@haiba-abyss-a_ kodzu-senpai said void this time get rektd

Kozume Kenma, the man behind the channel, couldn’t care less, but his manager said it was a good, low-effort way to stir up publicity, and Kenma was all about low-effort. Thus, he alternated his greeting between “screaming into the void” and “screaming into the abyss” by video. Wow. Truly a marketing genius. Fans have no choice but to stan. Business majors could never. 

> _haiba-abyss-a_ : _@screamintomekodzu69_ and?? he said abyss the last time this isn’t rocket science u weeb

“Normally, I just play games and avoid talking as much as possible, but since I recently passed 500k subs- thank you all for that, by the way- I decided to do a Q&A video. I posted on my Twitter yesterday asking you all for questions, and you really delivered. It’s like y’all wanna know more about me or something.” There, the man looks directly into the camera like he is on a popular American television show that remains unnamed for copyright reasons. Kenma’s gotta make that coin, after all, and he’d be damned if he let some multinational corporation claim his hard-earned YouTube money.

> _kodzukitty420_ : **0:20** kodzuken eye contact stans come get y’all JUICE

“Okay, let’s get into this. First question, from @gluefucker69 on Twitter: do you have any pets? Yes, gluefucker69, I do. I have two cats and one human. The cats’ names are Big Bastard and Nibbles-san. Sometimes, we will just call Big Bastard by the shortened form “Bastard”, but Nibbles-san is deserving of respect, so we never drop the honorific.” 

On the screen, a picture of two cats, one enormously fat and the other satisfyingly round, comes up. The enormously fat cat looks to be quite mischievous, and a label in Comic Sans identifies him as “the bastard”. The satisfyingly round cat is so dignified in his roundness that many viewers feel the need to bow, or excuse themselves, or otherwise express some sort of polite sentiment. No identifying label is necessary- the aura of dignity emanating from the round cat screams _Nibbles-san_. However, if you were not one for the reading of auras, you might reach the same conclusion by process of elimination. 

> _gryffindont-talk-to-me_ : BUT WAIT did kozdu-kun say “we”??? who is we???

“Also residing within the confines of my apartment is one other human, who happens to be my roommate. He is almost as much of a bastard as Big Bastard, but he somehow always falls short. Thus, I call him Little Bastard.” Tired golden eyes stare out of a completely deadpan face. Those eyes have witnessed unspeakable bastardry, and Kodzuken looks for all the world like a man who has completely given up. His fanbase, however, is used to this. Indeed, there are fan accounts dedicated to the depth and hue of the dark circles under his eyes. 

> _yaku_morisuke_ : lmaooo little bastard? kenma i can’t tell if ur funny or just cruel
> 
> _kodzuken_ : both.

“Okay, time for question two. This is from @bleaseletmelive on Instagram. What is your favorite video game?” At this, Kodzuken looks almost distressed, which for him, means that his eyebrows crinkle two degrees down from normal, and his lips perform the La Croix of frowns. “You can’t ask something like that- at least specify the genre. That’s like asking me to pick a favorite child.” Seasoned viewers can pick out the outrage in Kodzuken’s voice. Noobs cannot.

The editor, affectionately known as Editor-chan to the viewers, has blessed the viewers with a “3 hours later” time card from Spongebob, and then the popular meme of Kodzuken with laser eyes. There’s a cut back to Kodzuken, who looks interminably tired, as if he knows what the editor has done, and he doesn’t approve of it, but he simply cannot spare the energy to deal with that tomfoolery.

> _sunshineshouyou_MSBY_ : ahahahaha kenma u rly haven’t changed, have u?
> 
> _Liked by kodzuken_

“Okay. Next question, this time from @lotsofabgst on Twitter, who asks, what that mouth do?” Kodzuken closes his eyes and lets out a huff of air through his nostrils. “Some of you are truly going to hell for your thirst. Every day I pray for an end to my suffering. My mouth, as an integral part of the praying process, helps me petition whatever higher power may be listening. _That_ is what that mouth do.”

There’s a quick cut to an extreme zoom on Kodzuken’s mouth, then to his eyes, which pierce the camera with the heavy, accusing stare of a thousand disappointed parents. Erections have shriveled under that gaze. The thirstiest of fangirls have been redirected. Even the most innocent of virgins are filled with shame at the sheer audacity of the question. Kodzuken eye contact stans are wailing. 

> _streamrinasawayama_ : okay but srsly what that mouth do tho
> 
> _toratoratiger_ : petition to the elder gods for some fukcin peace and quiet were u even listening
> 
> _Liked by kodzuken_

“Question from @iguessthisismylifenow on Instagram. What is your view on romantic relationships? Huh, what a funny way to ask if I’m single or not.” Kodzuken levels another deadpan look straight at the camera, but this particular look is exceptional in its ability to convey complete exhaustion through a masterfully-crafted apathetic facade. Years in the future, Kodzuken facial analytics experts will point to this face as the most extreme case of Kodzuken’s suffering face in recorded history. Fans will write ballads about this face. Edits will be made, fanfictions will be written, fanart will be created. Kodzuken will remain unphased.

“Just in case this was an honest question about my views on the social construction of romance, I don’t think about it too hard. Romantic love is nice, but I survived very long without it, and I was fulfilled by my friends and family. To answer the question of whether or not I am single, the answer is no.

“I am not single. Most of my attention, romantic or otherwise, is split between the Bastards and the Most Honorable Nibbles-san. Also, my sleep paralysis demon lives in my mind rent-free, so never accuse me of not being a romantic.” In a rare fit of emotion, Kodzuken rolls his eyes the tiniest bit and lets out a puff of air that may or may not be his version of an exasperated sigh. He fully realizes that coming out will be the second most bothersome thing he’s ever done, the first being convincing Big Bastard to stop attacking Little Bastard. Even then, sometimes Kenma will catch Big Bastard side-eyeing Little Bastard, as if in challenge- or, more realistically, outright superiority. Little Bastard could never.

Kenma then comes to the realization that both of his life’s most bothersome hardships involve Kuroo Tetsurou, affectionately known as Little Bastard to his viewers. There is one common denominator to all of his life’s most futile struggles, it seems. 

> _littlebastardisdaddy_ : *whispers* and they were roommates oh my god they were ROOMMATES
> 
> _skskskanywaysstantwice_ : calm ur thirsty ass down lmao just bc they’re roommates doesn’t mean they’re boning chill out
> 
> _akaashinotagaashee_ : ...kozume-san literally said he was in a romantic relationship w either big bastard, little bastard, or nibbles-san- seeing as two of those are cats, i fail to see how any of you are still questioning this
> 
> _brokutobrotarou_ : but thats still three options idk how im supposed to figure it out
> 
> _akaashinotagaashee_ : ...bokuto-san, the fact that two of them are cats notwithstanding, you know perfectly well who kozume-san is dating
> 
> _brokutobrotarou_ : aAGHAAGAASHEEE ur so smart thankuuuu ily babyyyy
> 
> _kodzuken_ : … what, pray tell, the fuck
> 
> _Liked by akaashinotagaashee_

“No further questions about my boyfriend. Moving on.” With that, Kenma single-handedly shuts down the internet. It was one thing for him to insinuate that he was in a loving relationship, but for him to use the “boyfriend” word? Breathtaking. 

“Ah. Here’s a good one.” Editor-chan once again blesses the viewers with their godlike meme knowledge, cutting in a clip of Gordon Ramsey saying “finally some good fucking food”. There is no rest for the wicked, and no praise for the blessed. Editor-chan knows this intimately. Fans have been begging Kenma to let Editor-chan out of the basement for years. Kenma deliberately has not acknowledged them.

“If you were to take over the world, how would you do it? This is from @unicorns779, by the way.” A truly sinister gleam flashed in Kodzuken’s golden eyes. The fandom would be shook, but Kenma’s boyfriend reveal has incapacitated entire legions of stans. Only the strong survive. 

The rest of the video was filled with a casual itinerary for world domination, complete with an itemized budget and a minute-by-minute action plan with major dates of importance. Kenma knew this wouldn’t cause a stir, however. When you come out to the internet, everything else seems to go in one ear and out the other with the fans. 

> _feedmebeans_ : EEEEEE Kozume-san said boyfriend!!!!
> 
> _me-n-the-boys_ : are we gonna ignore how kodzuken’s got a very detailed plan to take over the world that might actually work?
> 
> [comment has been deleted]
> 
> [user _me-n-the-boys_ has been deleted]
> 
> _nyanmantetsurou_ : f lmao

“...and then, after I finally topple the last pocket of resistance in Liechtenstein, I would ascend to power, with Big Bastard as my closest advisor and His Most Honorable Nibbles-san the Wise as the national animal. Little Bastard would be welcome as well, I guess.” A short pause. It seems that even Editor-chan was too shocked to cut it. Kenma would deal with that later. “Well, that’s it for today’s video. Like, comment, and subscribe, or whatever. Leave me alone now.”

> _Pinned comment_
> 
> _nyanmantetsurou_ : love you too, kitten
> 
> _kodzuken_ : ❤️

**Author's Note:**

> haha tricked y'all into reading a self-insert fic,,, editor-chan was me all along  
> ayyy lmao SMASH that kudos button, leave a comment and subscribe so u never miss another fic!! see y'all in the next one asdfajkfds 
> 
> (i'm jk no pressure to do any of that except please do it i love validation)
> 
> (my entire brain is leaking out of my body someone please save me from the nothing i've become)  
> (ik my pacing was rly wack in this one,,, anyway, stan kodzuken)


End file.
